Safe Sex…

…means something completely different when you’re in your 40’s

My husband and I cracked up last night as what we deem to be “safe sex” is the fact that we didn’t hurt ourselves physically.  NO lie.  Because during our “gettin’ busy” session, if anyone were to hear us, it sounds like we are performing gymnastics.  Some crazy kama sutra yoga positions, but in reality it’s more like WWF.  I’m tearing off my shirt like Hulk Hogan, yelling

“Are you ready to rumbl-llllle?”

NO.  Not really.  But the sounds coming from our room would be interesting to any bystander.  No wonder our dog looks at us strangely when we exit the bedroom.  It’s not uncommon for a night to go like this:

Wait, my right hip just froze.  I gotta flip sides.  (we’re just lying in bed naked and haven’t yet done anything?) I know.  Just lying too long on my right side, I guess.

Uh.  okay.  Yeah, hon, my knees are hurting.  I can’t bend down as much as I used to. (You’re not really bending down.) I know.  (Is it from your knee surgery years ago, all those years of baseball and soccer?)  Maybe.  Just getting old, can’t bend too awkward or be on them too long.

Oh, my hip flexors can’t stay in this position that long.  (that long, it’s been seconds?)  I know.  But I feel like my hips are going to give out…no longer flexible enough- help me stretch my legs out- ow-ow-ow… maybe it’s from birthin’ some kids.  (as opposed to giving birth to animals?)

LAUGHTER ensues, and ends up with us both saying OUCH and we have to lay still because we pulled some muscle somewhere.

RECOVER time.  Grab some pillows to help with support.

(What’s wrong?  Why did you stop?)  I think I tried to thrust too hard or too fast.  (Really?)  Now my hips hurt and lower back.  I pulled something. (Really?  Be grateful it wasn’t your wiener)

LAUGHING again.  At some point later, SUCCESS!  We hold an invisible banner above our heads or the heavy weight belt.

Yessss! We did it! We had sex!

And we’re not injured! (this time) Are there ‘safe sex’ books for those aging – like sex after 40 and how not to hurt yourself?  (how about taking out an insurance policy?)

Yes, young people, this is what you have to look forward to… better develop a good sense of humor now.

 

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