Isn’t it weird when you become hyper-aware of your inner-voice? The thoughts in your head are so loud, it’s like you’re having a conversation with yourself? Especially when you voice a question, and then actually actively look for answer and answer yourself. AND you realize you are actually doing this?
I know this isn’t unusual, and that it happens to most people, sometimes more frequently for others. I think it affects moms more, especially those trying to balance a job outside of parenting which in itself, is already over-time.
Apparently, I hold conversations with myself aloud, as well. My husband will look at me and
“Are you all right? You’re kind of muttering to yourself and freaking me out.”
Well, that’s normal mommy stuff, when no one will wipe the table (ever) and I’m trying to scrub off two weeks of sticky, hard crap and I bitch about it while I’m doing it. Completely normal. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you fool? (My best Mr. T. voice)
Anyway, I’ve noticed my inner conversations more when I’m under pressure. Like this week, I started a new part of my job, as mentioned in a prior blog post. I was doing marketing, and now adding Customer Service calls. I have a very strange “split” schedule where I have to do marking calls to schools that the system randomly gives me states wherever, I can’t specify a region, which makes it difficult with time zones. I’m CA, and the system will randomly give me East Coast Schools and schools will close at 3:30. Or, I’ll get up early like 6AM and I’ll get west Coast schools.
Now, combine that when I have customer service calls. If I have the morning shift 8-1:30, I can make marketing calls during that shift and pretty much have a good amount made. However, the 1:30 to 7PM shift (which I have Mon, Wed, Fri) well… I have to jump on the phones for marketing in the morning…then be on Customer Service call 1:30 to 7.
Trying to balance this odd schedule with my hubby now leaving for his new job and everything falling on me and drop-off/pick-up of kids to school and regular daily life stuff…oh, yeah, and this entire MOVE thing we are trying to do…My mind is on over-drive and LOUD with thoughts like:
Why can’t my 12-year-old son EVER brush his hair when exiting the shower each morning. Why do we have to have an argument over it…and deodorant…and the use of actual shampoo in his hair as he complains each night of it itching…because he doesn’t wash it! Why?
Why the FUCK is Disneyland so expensive! (article here) Not that I want to go there (we boycotted years ago- we are thrill seeker Magic Mtn. people) But still. My 10 year old daughter would want to go, it might be nice. AND now they are doing some crazy schedule. Encouraging families to take their kids out of school during a week day for the “discount price” of $99.00. That’s what it was before…they are just increasing weekends to $119 on weekends. BOYCOTT PEOPLE. Disneyland, not crazyland. (hmmm, that’s a blog post itself)
I’ve made 20 calls this morning, WHY THE HELL isn’t anyone picking up the phone? Arkansas is 2 hours ahead of CA. It’s 6:30 AM here, 8:30AM there and their office hours start at 7:30. They can’t still be getting coffee? Oh, wait. Shit. It’s not AR, it’s AK. What’s AK? What’s Arizona? AR? Wait…now I’m confused… Arkansas, Alaska, Arizona. What state am I supposed to be calling again? Alaska? (google) AK- Alaska. Shit, not Arkansas, but Alaska- what’s that time difference…oh, they are behind us an hour? Guess, that’s why no one is picking up in the 5AM hour. Sucky-suck-suck.
(hey, I’m tired- it’s 6AM and I’m calling before coffee.)
This part-time job, is more a full time job, but I’m getting paid only part time hours…and this move is going to kill me. Rest in peace…
oh, rest. Peace. Quiet. That would be nice to take a break from my thoughts. Turn off my mind.