Okay, shooter, I’m ready for you

Who has been trained on Active shooter?

The first day of my new contract/temp job, we had this incredibly long “Safety” orientation, primarily for those working on the manufacturing floor.  However, anyone that spends any time on the floor has to take this 3 hour Power Point presentation.

Needless to say, it was dry.  So, I take notes to force me to pay attention.  Notes that I don’t really need to take, except maybe a couple of key items.

I perked up when the next slide said

ACTIVE SHOOTER

I sat up straighter and squinted because some fool had decided to put this safety chart on a colored background that didn’t show well on a big screen.  What I could see, there were 3 columns with a lot of print.

It can’t be, really?  I waited for the Meeting leader to continue… because of all the recent shooting attacks by those “disgruntled workers,” we have safety guidelines in place.  We have to be told to do this…

  • RUN:  Evacuate if you can.

You don’t fucking say?  Really?  If you see someone walking toward the danger, stop them.  I almost raised my hand to inquire “But what if you don’t like the person or they are demanding a report from you that is tedious?  Oh, Joe’s not going to be needing that crazy report any time soon.”  For some reason, I think that dark humor would have been frowned upon… those HR people always so serious.

So…Run, you bet your Ass I’d be pushing you down and mowing you right over, while shouting “I just have to be faster than you!”  There would be my size 6’s permanently imprinted on your forehead.

  • HIDE: If you can’t evacuate, find a spot under the desk

So, now’s not the time to inquire how Betty Lou’s day is going and if she’d like a coffee?  Later in the day, I looked around the office, combined of a few buildings put together with cubicles lined up and all filled.  There are no crevices or cabinets, and the workstation desks are pretty wide open… so, I guess we have to “duck-n-cover” like we do for Earthquakes, hide your face to not make eye contact & say the phrase “you don’t see me.  you don’t see me” over-n-over again – because you know that will work.  Or send Doby to steal Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility.  Hm.  Maybe I better take a large blanket to work so I can crumple it up and leave it there daily, so everyone gets used to looking at it…so when the real danger came, I could hide under it and no one would suspect!  Of course, my fat rump would probably stick out, but I wouldn’t be making eye-contact.  You don’t see me, you don’t see me…

  • FIGHT OFF

If the other two aren’t options, then go Rocky Balboa on them.  Yup, I think the way my work has been going, I might just raise my hands in surrender and say “Things are so crazy, just shoot me now.”

Of course, that might throw the shooter off and think it’s some crazy scheme of reverse-psychology… but get so confused she/he takes aim at another individual instead.  NO really.  Me.  As the shooter runs away screaming, “Stay away from me crazy person.  I’m gonna call the cops.”

I suppose that’s one way of stopping the ACTIVE SHOOTER.  Why isn’t that on the list?  Who’s running this training?

I’m thinking they should end with that slide as I don’t recall much after that.  Guess I was too busy thinking about this future blog post.

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6 thoughts on “Okay, shooter, I’m ready for you

  1. Tomorrow, we’ll learn about the Inactive Shooter. This video will demonstrate how an out of shape shooter moves slower, and tends to sweat more profusely, thus making it easier to know where the shooter is at all times. Naturally, self-defense tactics will be discussed, but not demonstrated at this time, in order to grab some coffee and donuts instead.

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  2. You might have just saved my life. Who knew we could run,hide or fight? You forgot a vital act of retaliation though! Fast unto death till the shooter leaves..declare loudly that you aren’t going to eat or drink a single thing till he leaves! Don’t ask me how that works. Especially since he’s threatening your life and you are er..just doing the exact same thing in a prolonged version but it worked for Gandhi back in the days and even now some politicians in India use this technique to get what they want. The thought of giving up nutella for even a couple of hours..I..I can’t even..! Let’s just find the invisibility cloak instead.

    Liked by 1 person

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