In light of me beginning a weight loss program (putting off until Monday), one type of personality always irks me that falls under Human Nature:
Diet Sabotager (n)– oh, you know who you are…A Person once hearing someone indicate they are on a diet, just can’t help themselves. They tackle various approaches of saboage and act innocently. For whatever reason they feel threatened by someone becoming healthy. These individuals are often viewed by dieters as assholes. Sabotage comes in various forms, such as:
The ‘LOOKING-OUT-FOR-YOU” approach: “Hey, look, I grabbed you a bagel before they were all gone. I didn’t know if you liked cream cheese so I placed it on the side.”
- Action by them: triumphantly hands dieter the plate
- Dieter thinks: Um, thanks, jerk. But immediately feels guilty, because (gosh) they were just being nice. Mmm. Sesame seed bagel. YUM.
The ‘IT’S-NOT-ALL-ABOUT-YOU” approach: (announcing) “Yo, DONUTS are here!”
- Action by Dieter: Glare
- Response by announcer to glare: “What? I’m letting everyone else on our team know, before they are all gone. Geez, just because you’re dieting doesn’t mean we all have to.”
- Action by Dieter: denial of charges, may not necessarily enjoy donuts, but possibly eats one out of embarrassment.
The ‘NEINER-NEINER ‘approach: “There’s some left-over Chinese food from today’s meeting.”
- Action by them: Walk by with a steaming plate of Kung Pao chicken knowing you can’t have.
- Dieter Thinks: ASS hole and runs to the kitchen before food is all gone. What? It’s a rainy day and cold outside. Gotta have it.
The “SKINNY-PERSON” approach: “Wow. I’m so glad I’ve never had to diet, I can eat whatever I want and never seems to affect me. Well, that’s good you’re no longer putting all that crap in your mouth like you used to…if you keep it up, won’t be too long before you’re thin. Good job.”
- Action by them: looks at dieter skeptically, and for some reason, threatened by them for daring to upset the order of the world.
- Dieter thinks: Nice back-handed compliment, bitch. While chomping on lettuce, wonders if they would help skinny person if they were to choke on a bone.
The ‘COMMISERATOR’ approach: “Wow. I hate dieting. I always feel like I want to kill myself. No matter how hard I try, those pounds just stay. Then I just gave up and am comfortable being fat and happy. Good luck.”
- Action by them: their smile doesn’t reach their eyes
- Dieter thinks: Oh, shit, why am I bothering? I’m too far gone now. Where’s the vending machine? Peanut M&Ms here I come!
The ‘DENIAL’ approach: “You know, it’s okay if you just have 1 piece of pizza. Just 1 piece and then get right back to it.”
- Action by them: opening box of pizza and encouraging dieter
- Dieter: Runs away as quickly as possible (screaming) no-no-no-no
The ‘GUILT-YOU-INTO-IT’ approach: (closely related to the Denial approach): “It’s just a piece of cake. You don’t want to celebrate your boss’ birthday?”
- Action by them: places plate in your hand, motioning you to the cake cutter
- Action by Dieter: gets a piece, fully intending to deliver to another co-worker (so it appears you’re participating) and along said route to that co-worker’s desk, picks up the fork and starts eating the cake.
YES, these people irritate me.